He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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