Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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