This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
