Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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