I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
