I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
