Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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