sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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