I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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