New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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