I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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