I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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