If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
