I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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