she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
so let's talk penis.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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