I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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