the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
