plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
