Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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