Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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