He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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