When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
