his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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