think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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