Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
