i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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