Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
