The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
