It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
