I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
