I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You made out with two different species that night
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
