Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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