guys are only as good as the porn they watch
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
