I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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