I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
my poor anus
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
