The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
