im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
