im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
