Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
