Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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