I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
