Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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