the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
you never un-have a 4some
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
