im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
