you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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