just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
