I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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