Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
