I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
