The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
