So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
