Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
