Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The beer is more important than you right now.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
