im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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