i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
