Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
