my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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