now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
