Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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