WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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